


Plaster a smile, maybe it'll work for a while

by Lulu_The_Real_Slytherpuff



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Ray-centric, implied depression, mental health, wildly projecting into my fics once again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 09:07:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16637009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lulu_The_Real_Slytherpuff/pseuds/Lulu_The_Real_Slytherpuff
Summary: “No Gideon, I’m fine,” Ray’s voice came out like gravel, and he winced at the sound. She suggested that every night. As if he hadn’t done the same thing every night since he first came aboard the Waverider.Character study of Ray Palmer.





	Plaster a smile, maybe it'll work for a while

**Author's Note:**

> I usually write hockeyrpf so this is a wildly different fandom for me to write in. None-the-less Ray Palmer is my favourite DCTV character. Period. 
> 
> Couple of warnings before we start:  
> \- Implied depression and PTSD.  
> \- Panic attack mentioned throughout the piece.
> 
> If any of these things are triggering please do not read. Your mental health is much more important than a 600 word fanfic.

The bed creaked underneath him, the lumpy mattress, uncomfortable, and the rusted metal of a loose spring stabbing him in the back. Ray didn’t dare move from his bunk. He couldn’t. Not now. There was a weight on his chest. Something heavy pinning him onto the uncomfortable bunk. It wasn’t real, of course. Or rather, it wasn’t a physical weight. None-the-less, Ray lay there in his rusted bunk that Gideon could fix if he asked her to and he twisted the screams around in his head.

Anna’s screams.

Kendra’s screams.

The team.

Fuck, even Sydney’s. The screams twirled around and around in his head like some sort of demented ballerina made up of hellish screams, all various forms of “RAY!” in distress. And Ray couldn’t get to them in time. Not Anna. Not Kendra. Not Sara nor Nate. The weight pushed down harder, and this time the pressure slowly moved its way up to his throat, like bony hands with withered fingers that pressed down hard into his neck and left invisible bruises. Ray felt his breath come out in quick gasps that became more laboured as the hands moved upwards and upwards, until it reached down his throat and the fingers stabbed their way down his oesophagus and freed the weight from his chest. He bolted up from the bunk, retching and stumbling across to the toilet where he leaned down and unleashed Sara’s parmigiana into the once crisp white bowl. 

Cold Sweat prickled and stung his skin as it dribbled down his face. The smell of vomit wafted its way up through Ray’s nose and he dry retched into the toilet bowl once more.

“Doctor Palmer, might I suggest a visit to the med bay?” Gideon’s voice vibrated around his quarters.

“No Gideon, I’m fine,” Ray’s voice came out like gravel, and he winced at the sound. She suggested that every night. As if he hadn’t done the same thing every night since he first came aboard the _Waverider._ Ray was just glad she’d never let Sara or any of the Legends know about how he spent his nights. Having the team believe he was just Mr Happy-Go-Lucky twenty-four-seven was much more preferable.

He wakes up with his head resting against the cool metal floor, vomit crusted around his lips and his shirt soaked in cool sweat that sticks to his body. Shower. He needs a hot shower.

The room fogs up with the heat from the shower. Hot water scalds Ray’s skin a deep red as it slithers down his back and washes away the vomit and the sweat. He breathes the hot air in through his nose and revels in the way the heat burns his throat as it goes down. He stands unmoving in the shower for what feels like hours before he can take control over his limbs again and switch the shower off and pull a scratchy white towel over himself to dry himself.

The weight still sits heavy in his chest.

His hand leaves a single streak on the mirror as he wipes away the steam. The man in the mirror has bloodshot eyes, hollow cheeks and he looks back at Ray with eyes that scream brokenness to him. The mirror man cracks a smile, bright and happy but his eyes betray him, brown orbs that stare off into the distance and betray the happy smile with their loneliness calling out.

Ray shakes his head and smiles into the mirror once more, letting the smile reach his eyes this time.

“Okay Ray, let’s do this,” he whispers to the man in the mirror before plastering on the smile and walking out of the bathroom.

“Morning Sara,” he says in a cheery tone and waves to the captain.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Please comment! Constructive criticism is always welcomed and much appreciated :)
> 
> And hey, if you liked this then maybe you'll be a fan of my other works which cover similar topics. Or if you ever want a chat about anything and everything then feel free to hit me up on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hit-em-with-the-fourr%22) :)


End file.
